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Local Government
Chronicle - January 2007
In Sam’s bedroom it takes up most of the floor-space. Chez Emma in Washington DC it spreads across the wooden floor from the study into the living room. Over at Ariane’s the dogs pick their way circumspectly around the edge of the carpet fearing the bollocking they will get if they so much as derail a goods wagon.
Thomas the Tank Engine – some seven decades after the Rev. Wilbert Awdry invented the railway network run by the Fat Controller in the form of stories to entertain his measles-struck son Christopher– is going from strength to strength. Of course new rolling stock has been introduced to try to compensate for Rev Awdry’s resolutely male-dominated hardware, where the only female representatives were Annie and Clarabel, the slightly old-maid-ish carriages hauled by Thomas on his branch-line, and sundry old ladies dropping their armful of parcels as they run for the train.
As I read the familiar stories over and over again to Emma, whose engineering knowledge, at the age of two and a half, massively surpasses mine, my mind began to drift back to Westminster. Thomas and his friends – how easily those tales could become a metaphor for the Blair Government.
The first piece falls into place instantaneously. Gordon hauls the express. He is vain, proud, easily takes offence, jealous of his position as top engine, disdainful of menial tasks like shunting. Now who could Gordon possibly remind us of in Government? Surely not ……Gordon!
Edward the blue engine is a reliable workhorse, even tempered, anxious to please, not given to temperamental outbursts, his competence making him perhaps ever so slightly dull. He is the engineering version of a safe pair of hands. Alistair Darling? John Hutton?
Percy is a happy little chap. A saddle-tank engine and a bit of a wag he has little desire for adventure and is content to do the Fat Controller’s bidding with a cheeky cheerfulness. Alan Johnson, perhaps, Labour’s current holder of the cheeky chappie title?
Thomas the Tank Engine is a difficult match, simply because Thomas is a much deeper character than some of his shed-mates. He is hard-working, anxious to please, prone to bouts of mild pomposity (he is convinced that his little pull-and-push line is the most important part of the Fat Controller’s whole empire), and not above teasing and scolding his elders and betters.
One of the younger members of the Cabinet I think- Douglas Alexander (who is, after all, Secretary of State for Transport) would be one option but I think it has got to be David Miliband, with his constant activity, belief in his special importance to the senior management, and air of youthful enthusiasm.
But what about Tony Blair, I hear you cry? There really can only be one candidate. He is eager for attention, in fact a bit of a show-off. He is impetuous and can get rushes of blood to the head which end up with his having to be bailed out from embarrassing situations. He has to be talked to sternly by the Fat Controller and threatened with losing his shiny new paint. He can shunt, haul goods trains and, with great benefit to his ego, even the express, though Gordon is reluctant to let any other engine intrude into his territory.
James the Red Engine is Blair to a tee!
This is a game with endless possibilities. What about Terence the caterpillar-tracked tractor which has to rescue James from being buried in the snow-drift? I reckon John Reid fits that bill except that I see John Reid more in Salty, the diesel shunter who works down by the docks. There is Bertie the Bus and, of course, the Fat Controller himself, a natural for Charles Clarke until that gentleman went the wrong way round the turntable. And the whole railway is far too well-run to offer a plausible candidate for John Prescott.
I am, of course, far too gallant to offer any matches for Annie and Clarabel.
Any party can play. A special prize for suggestions relating to Boris Johnson or Lembit Opik.
We must not omit the essential chorus – the troublesome, complaining, bad-tempered, unwilling trucks. Of course - the Parliamentary Labour Party!
© Local Government Chronicle
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